What Dreams May Come

I am writing this post from my bed.  You see, I am in pain and am not well.  I haven’t been well for several weeks now, and it’s not getting better quickly, so I’m slowly learning how to cope with this curveball.  My hormones are not in a correct balance.  In fact, they are way off, especially my progesterone and testosterone.  In addition, I’m suffering from extreme anemia and migraines.  Unfortunately, there’s not much doctors can do for me.  They’ve put me on short term birth control pills to stop an overly aggressive period, and have given me painkillers for migraines and other aches.  I see my OB/GYN again tomorrow.  Hopefully there will be an update on how I can move forward.

During this time of rest, I’ve gotten to enjoy the pint-sized perspective of my son, who keeps us busy and alert at all times.  He’s at the stage where he’s almost a walker, which means he’ll be a runner soon!  He’s a non-stop ball of energy!  I plan to enroll him in gymnastics once he’s fully walking as a healthy way to expend all of that energy and strength.

Also, during my time home, I’ve had time to think about where I want to devote my interests in the coming years in the terms of wellness.  While going back to school, achieving a higher title in education, or having another baby were all suggested by well-meaning others, I have decided that those things would not be right for me or my family.  My short term goal is to run a 5k.  I’ve already successfully walked one in May, but want to be able to run one with a decent time.  This will require that I train steadily at the gym once my strength comes back to me.

My long-term goal is to reinvest in one of my lifelong passions, which is photography.  In high school, I was well known by others because of my prints from photography class using my old 35 mm camera.  I had to shelve my dreams of pursuing photography at the Rochester Institute of Technology due to cost of tuition.  It wasn’t the first time I’d doubt my dreams and then cop out because I was the only one who believed in me at the time.  It’s the price children pay when they grow up in an abusive family.  They have no one to believe in them.  The voices of doubt and ridicule often overshadow any glimmers of hope and dreams.

But I’ve been dreaming again.  It’s taken me a long time to recover from the negativity of my past, but, here I am at 31 years old, daring to dream again.  It started with the purchase of a beautiful new Canon dslr camera when our son was born.  We’ve tried to capture every wiggly, bright-eyed moment he has blessed us with.  I think, with this camera, a new hope in me was also born.  I’ve discovered an old/new passion in photography.  I have decided to study and practice this next year, and then slowly branch out into taking pictures for others as a small business.  This thought excites me beyond happiness, because, finally, I’m doing something I want to do.  Something that I believe in.  Something that gives me hopes and dreams.

So with a tired wish for wellness, things will hopefully start to slowly develop in the right direction.

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